Like a spy I left a note in that bush, in that field. You knew to wait till I climbed back onto the landing before fetching it. When I checked later it was gone, so I know you took it. I thought you might have let William take it. Things were getting dangerous, but I had to let you know. I don’t know, you never told me anything anyway.
Do you remember, in that field? I told you what I wanted it to be like. A little apartment in the city and you’d come and go. I’d be busy with my own work anyway. I thought it would be nice. I could see the ocean from that spot and always looked toward it when I told you what I wanted. It was far, but mine all the same. Just like you. I said I loved you and that our love reminded me of a time that never happened.
***
We were on the road the first time I noticed the black birds in the blue sky. We were driving all right. Things were different. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was wrong, but at the same time, nothing could go wrong. Like we slipped into some other dimension. Maybe we did. That was when I met that redheaded guy who talked for a very long time about how I needed to stand differently, to stop shifting my weight onto one leg. He wouldn’t stop talking and I just wanted to get away. It seemed as though he might be saying something important, it seemed like maybe he was really concerned about my posture, but mostly I think he was talking to hide his nerves. That night was good for me though. I wrote something. It had to do with dancing and none of it mattered, nothing did, except that I was transcended. He came by our room right before I started to write that bit, can you believe it? He said he’d thought the whole thing through and his answer was no. I was relieved. You said it was important to write everything down.
You had a beard then, and were sitting at that ridiculous bar without saying a word to me. I always considered angels to be the same as demons, and I guess you could say they were there; they were all over the place. I could see them. That’s how I did it. They were all talking, and like I said, you were sitting at the bar watching out for me, and that’s how I knew where to go.
Back home, the dark little hole in the wall, the night when you showed up. The time I looked right at you. I was in on it. It took the entire month of March but I finally got it, and that was the night it happened. I walked past you twice and thought this time it would surely be different, so I waited in the bathroom but you didn’t come.
I got myself into some situation. I was done with it after that. It was too much to take and that’s when the messages started to pour in. You were watching, and I thought you were telling them what to say, so that I’d know. I devised a strategy without you and then had coffee with your colleague. He said he wanted to go with me, but I’m pretty sure you told him to say that. We almost drove to the beach but I decided it better to sit alone for a while. You were at the table beside us. I let you listen but didn’t turn my head in your direction because by then I had learned how you liked to play the game. It was time to be mad. I was sick of how you always kept quiet and stared, how you just watched all that was happening to me.
I chose the motel we didn’t stay at, but I ate breakfast at the same diner and the same two waitresses were there. They gave me a sense of familiarity at a time when I was a constant foreigner, and always alone.
I was in new skin and waiting for you at that dark café. You only drove by and tried to make light of the situation by sticking your tongue out at me. I saw from the window. The owner of the place told me to look straight into his eyes, and I did. The guy who played the music said I should dress differently because people would get the wrong idea. You weren’t there. That was when I met Joe. He spoke in code at first so it was hard to pay attention. I was a good person. That was when I figured it out.
That night in the black boots I hadn’t gotten rid of, I drank some grape juice and fell asleep to some real bad dreams. I woke up and turned on gospel songs in the dark. With chills I cried at my welcome into something I don’t know how to name. But first I was damned. It happened at the dollar store. I never told you about this. I don’t know if you know what it’s like, to know that you are damned, but I do. Every look from everyone told me, and I was without you. I could have lost it. I could have gone another way. I thought you saw it all happen. Now I know you didn’t understand. I gave you too much credit. I thought you thought I was fancy and lovely and strong, but you just thought I was weird.
You watched me make friends with William for a while after it was over. Turns out he liked to dress up as a lady. Truth is I didn’t care. The worst part was being afraid, and once there was none of that, it really didn’t matter. So I tidied up. A man punched me in the face, so I sat silent and channeled a poem. I later undid everything. I know you were wondering why I was hanging around. The men liked my legs and you stayed this whole time with one eye peeking out from around the corner. It made me feel like a science experiment, and maybe I was. I would have got the picture if you’d just left.
BB
